Fall Guy

A day with Parkinson's Disease, Page 12

All the completed pages so far appear here, in their proper sequence.

Signing Off the Radio Show

(Above, the talented and reflective Fred Newman, sound effects wizard for "A Prairie Home Companion"  made my final edition of "Hometown Anchorage" a pleasure to do)

Today I did my final "Hometown Alaska" broadcast. The show will go on, there are three other hosts to continue the weekly schedule, and I assume they will replace me with a fourth.

This was my decision, and it was a tough one. The folks at KSKA were supportive and dedicated to high-quality journalism. I also got good feedback from  people I ran into around town. So given all that, why am I bailing?

Live radio, when done right looks easy enough. Doing it right however is not simple. You must be aware of the time, the callers on your first screen, the emailers on your second screen, meanwhile absorbing what your guest has to say and preparing your next question. Not to mention cuing and taking cues from the engineer. At the same time you want to avoid silence or "dead air". You also must  avoid live air that involves any of George Carlin's seven words that are forbidden to broadcasters. All this is a mighty load of multitasking for a person whose ability to concentrate on more than one thing, and whose ability to even speak, has been significantly eroded by Parkinson's Disease.

There were off-air considerations as well. Rounding up guests was touch and go. Trying to give the person reasonable time to call back while sweating the possibility of having to put together something on quick turn around as an alternative was a fingernail biting exercise for me.

Was it ever fun? Are you kidding? How great is it to be able to sit and chat with NPR's BJ Liederman or Alaska  novelist Andromeda Romano-Lax? It's stimulating and exciting. Which made the various mistakes and technical errors that much more painful. In the end, I was not improving fast enough to meet my own standard of what I would like to hear on the radio. The staff and the listeners deserve someone who is fired up and grateful for a tremendous opportunity. I am certainly grateful, but more toasted than fired up.

 So is this a victory for Parkinson's Disease? Has it stolen something from me again? You can be the judge of that. But I will call it a draw, or maybe a tactical retreat. A victory for PD would have been to never try, to allow the disease to foreclose options without really testing to see whether they were viable or not. Instead I got  to learn a few new things. One of which is I'm not cut out to host Hometown. I plan to advance on other fronts.

Thanks to Pat Yack, Kristin Spack, Bede Trantina and the other terrific folks at Anchoragepublic.org who all did their best to make a broadcaster out of me.  They came pretty close, which, given what they were working with, is commendable. The final show, with the terrific Fred Newman is now posted here. It was nice to go out on a high note. Fred? (TWEWEEEEENNNGGGG!)

Hoof and Mouth: Scientists Find Talking While Walking Can Lead to Falls for People With Parkinson's Disease

Well it looks like mum's the word for PD patients who are in the act of walking. According to scientists at Florida State University those of us of the Parkie persuasion are increasing our risk of falls if we jaw while jogging. No word if screaming while you fall also amounts to the kind of multi-tasking we should avoid. But if you ask me, I say, scream. What have you got to lose?

On considering this latest bit of information it hit me that there are vast implications in the Things for Parkinsonians to Avoid Doing Department. Just to be helpful, I have compiled a handy list of additional potentially hazardous forms of multi-tasking for we Parkies to avoid. NB: many of these have yet to be studied by researchers, but I am rushing to publication with them anyway. NB2: This is NOT an exhaustive list, and you should not conclude that just because it's not listed that a particular form of multi-tasking is in any way safe or endorsed by this blog. When in doubt, assume the fetal position and refuse to move. Wait, that would be multi-tasking. When in doubt, just assume the fetal position. Call me sloppy, but for heaven's sake, not while you are walking.

List of Multi-Tasking No-Nos

Rubbing BBQ sauce in your hair while sticking your head in the mouth of a lion or other large predator

Yelling "FIRE" while in a crowded theater (unless, of course, the theater is on fire)

Greeting your friend John with a hearty "Hi, Jack!" while standing in a TSA line

Petting a porcupine while chewing gum

Tugging on Superman's cape while spitting into the wind

Pulling the mask off that old Lone Ranger while messing around with Jim

Drinking and unicycling

Operating heavy machinery while sleeping

Murmuring your girlfriend's name while making love to your spouse

Murmuring your spouse's name while making love to your girlfriend

Kicking sand in the face of a bully while being a 98-pound weakling

Yelling "FREE BIRD!!!" while attending the symphony

Acting as your own attorney while having a fool for a client

Repeating "Hide me, The monkeys are in the control booth!" while undergoing a psychiatric evaluation.

French-kissing an ostrich while either sober or inebriated (either of you)

Laughing maniacally during confession

As I mentioned above, this is not an exhaustive list. If you notice any egregious omissions, please post a reply with your multitasking no-no. If you have a complaint, just give me a call when you're out walking.